I have this dream about Martin.
He’s here and he won’t speak to me.
We’ve had some sort of fight, I don’t know what's happened but I can’t get hold of him and he refuses to speak to me. If I confront him in person, he walks away, refuses to acknowledge me, gets angry and tells me to go, leave him alone, that he doesn’t care.
Sometimes the details change. One time he kept walking away and refused to even speak to tell me what was wrong. Other times he just laughs and refuses to look at me.
Last night was the worst. It was some sort of party, and everywhere I looked I was met with faces looking at me with pity. I was looking for him and no-one would say where he was. And then I saw him ahead of me. walking away as always, just out of reach and never looking at me directly, no matter how much I begged or pleaded with him to just talk to me and tell me what I had done.
What always remains the same is how vivid these dreams are. They are so real, so detailed. His voice, or rather the lack of it as I plead with him to turn and look at me, to speak to me, is deafening.
I wake up, my chest tight from panic, my head spinning, and there is a moment where I think ‘I need to get hold of him, I need to fix this’ before I have to remind myself that it’s not real, I can’t do that, he’s gone. And at that moment, I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I’m taken back to that first week without him and my widow brain kicks in, where I can’t focus and my head feels like a fog and I can’t think of anything but him and why he isn’t here. I spend the day in a haze, physically hurting from the pain in my chest which won’t let up, confused and in need of retreating back to my bed to sleep and hope that whichever nightmare I’m trapped in- the ones where he returns but won’t speak or the one where he’s not here at all- will simply disappear.
Dreams are meant to carry meanings. Apparently dreaming of a lost loved one relates to feelings of guilt- I've already written about that here, the guilt and the loneliness that comes with this life after Martin. Those feelings have been prevalent recently- not being able to be there for my mother in law after the tragic loss of Martin's father in August, regret at not fixing a friendship this season, missing time with friends and loved ones as the winter draws in...... For me though, I've noticed that these dreams tend to happen a lot more during periods of stress and upheaval, times when I'm feeling lost and need to be able to talk things out and have some support. I'm fortunate enough that I do have people around me that I can speak to and lean on.... but it's not the same as him, and recently I've really needed him.
It's been a rough time recently. I've missed Martin more recently than ever, missed his presence. He had a way of being able to rationalise and help keep me from spiralling and without him at this moment in time I feel helpless. try to remain positive as the advice from others suggests; "give it time, it will all be alright, you will manage, you will get through this...."
It's so difficult to remain positive though. I've had to be strong for so long and had no choice in that matter- when do I get to stop being strong? When will I be allowed to stop fighting, to stop trying so hard? It's been three and a half years of treading water to keep myself from drowning and right now I feel like I've lost my footing- when do I get back to the shallow end?
These are my only dreams of Martin now. I've not had good dreams about him since he died. All of my dreams, my life, my future.... they disappeared that morning in February and I am exhausted from trying to chase them to bring them back. Trying not to let things affect me, get me down, so that Tomas and Morena are protected and don't have to go through more upheavals, more heartache..... it's so much pressure. Everything I do is for them and yet they deserve a mother who's happy, who's not tired and stressed and sad.
I know what Martin would say. He would look at me and shrug, tell me that I will be alright because I know what I need to do and that like always I will make it happen. That I can't sit and wait and that I need to do it, to accept the help and realise that I'm not alone.
And he's right. I will make it happen. I will do what needs to be done. I will find a way and I will do what's best. Because that's what I do.
I just wish that he was here to say it.
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