Today Is World Mental Health day. It's a day to reflect on our own Mental Health and Wellbeing, and to remind everybody that not only is it ok to ask for help but it's ok to admit that you can't do things alone. It's a day to check in with those around you and make sure that they are doing alright, that they know it's ok to take a pause and look after themselves.
Today is also exactly two years and eight months since Martin died.
I am going to be the first to admit that I am not great at asking for help. I'm not even that good at admitting when I'm not doing ok. I keep that to myself now, not quite believing that anyone would actually be there for me. I'd sooner go mute, hibernate, indulge in something self-destructive than admit something is wrong and need a hand.....
Martin was my anchor. He was an expert in me, able to see when something was wrong and remind me to stop and breathe in the midst of my chaos. He was frustratingly laidback at times- normally because he knew he didn't have to worry about certain things as I'd be there in the background making sure it happened- and whilst he wasn't always the most sympathetic ear, he was definitely a pragmatic one, and sometimes that is more important.
When we first got his diagnosis, I had a moment where I just went numb, overwhelmed with appointments, work and the thought of what could happen. He took me by the shoulders and said "Mamita, I need you. Don't do this, you're the strong one ok? I need you." We fought for each other, checked in with each other, made sure we were both alright. He knew me better than anyone on the planet.
And now he is gone. And I am not ok.
I miss him, in a way I cannot describe to anyone because it's simply impossible to explain. I had a day recently where I burst into tears driving home as I suddenly remembered how he would always type 'hey men' when he meant to say 'man.'
I comfort my kids when they miss him and get frustrated at the teacher that seems to forget that they have lost a father and there is only one breadwinner in the household. I do my best to be there for everyone, do everything I can, be on top of everything inside and outside the house, and I'm so often overwhelmed that I'm simply too exhausted to do anything at the end of the day. I forget to reply to messages, shut myself off from friends- not because I don't want to talk to them, but I simply don't have the energy to explain the weight of what I'm carrying. I love someone that can no longer return that love, and I feel lonely and angry and a hundred other things too complicated to comprehend, let alone say.
It would be easy to give up. It would be easy to become hard, cold. It would be easy to not care, not to trust anyone, to just shut myself off completely. But I don't.
I say I'm not ok and yes, there are plenty of times that I'm not at all ok, not even close to being so. However, I have a great job that I adore with the best people, I have an amazing group of friends who I love fiercely and am so proud of, and I have two beautiful, intelligent children who are a force unto themselves and remind me to keep going every day, for them, for him. I have been trying to be better about admitting when I'm not so good, talking things through in an attempt to handle them better with those I trust the most, those who have become my new voices of reason in the absence of his. And I just keep trying to sparkle, to smile, to be kind.
I keep trying to be kind in a world that so often actively discourages it, in the face of so many that would take advantage of and mock you for it, because I know that really, everyone is facing things they'd rather not face alone, everyone has something that hurts or scares them. I would rather put love, trust, kindness into the world in the hope that it helps just one person, than shut myself away from the possibility of those things in my life again.
Check in with your people. Let them know that they are loved. Be kind, to yourself as well as others. Take the baby steps, find one thing to smile about, then two... do something for five minutes that's just for yourself. Compliment that person in that outfit you like, help someone at work who's struggling.
Breathe.
If you are struggling, please don't hide. Know that it's ok to talk, to admit it, to ask for help. I will always make tea, listen to that message, give that hug. Don't ever feel that you are alone. It can be scary to face it all, I get that, but taking that one small step to have the help, to share your burden, can lead to so many good ones.
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