Today is the 6th anniversary of my mother's death. I've written previously about this here and I still miss her dearly as time goes on.
Whenever we lose someone, there is a tendency to look back, to wonder if things could have been different. This happens in every situation that someone leaves our lives, not just when someone dies- it could be the end of a friendship, an end of a relationship. We can drive ourselves insane wondering what could have been said, could have been done differently. That need for closure is frustrating, and the sad truth is that ultimately that sometimes, you just don't get that.
This is felt even more keenly when someone dies. You may well cross paths with an old friend, an ex, you may see how they're doing or get the chance to speak to them again- and, even more importantly, you have that choice to do so or not. Once someone dies there is no choice, no maybe. Everything has been said and done and there is never a maybe in changing that situation. Whatever you did or didn't do stays that way.
Today I posted a photo of my mum. It's a photo taken from when she was having chemo, and was trying on wigs to decide which she wanted. That hair isn't actually hers, but we all agreed that was the one that suited her. I had tried to find a photo of us together, but the only one I have at home is from when I was a toddler, walking to the beach at Hayling Island.
This is my thing, my thing I wish was different. I wish it every time I look for them and don't find them. I have no photos of me with my mum. Not as an adult. I'm sure there must be some, floating around somewhere, but in my possession? None at all. In fact, I don't even have that many photos of her. A few, here and there, but she tended to be the one taking the photos, and would shy away from them. "I look awful," she'd say.
It's not the first time I've realised this. It was something very much at the forefront of my mind when Martin got his diagnosis. Photos with the kids. Make sure Tomas and Morena have photos and videos with him. And yet, even reminding myself of this, I actually only have a handful of photos of Martin and I together. Again, it would be incredible to have more, but now there's no way I can.... Well, I can. It's just a photo with a box isn't quite the same.
I have memories. Wonderful memories, filled with joy and love and these are incredible, moments worth remembering. We are reminded all the time to slow down, live in the moment, to put down the phones and stop capturing everything and just simply enjoy........ Can't we do both? I'm all for putting the phone down and just enjoying my time, but it's only when you lose two of the most important people in your life that you realise the importance of taking that photo.
As I was looking and lamenting my lack of photos with my mum, and realising the same about Martin, I was clearing a USB drive to use for work. I found a file filled with photos and videos taken in 2019, when Martin was on sick leave and home every day. I found a video of him dancing with Morena, so simple and joyous- he's laughing throughout as she copies his movements- and my heart broke all over again. I would give anything for more of those moments, we didn't have enough.
I take all the photos now. All the videos. And I try to include myself in as many of them as possible with Tomas and Morena- I want them to have those moments recorded, to look at and be able to see and smile at forever. I try to take more photos with my friends, try to grab those candid moments as well as the posed ones, as those have the best moments, the most natural smiles. I want my children to have those visual reminders of the fun and the love that I do my utmost to surround them with to replace the sadness they've had to endure.
It's always the smallest things that mean the most. It's always those tiny moments you will wish for. Say I love you more often. Take those photos. Hug long and hard and often. Make that favourite meal and spend time listening to those who matter. You never know when those moments will become memories, so make the most of them while you can.
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