Sometimes, you will have a bad week.
You will try too hard for people who don't respect, appreciate or deserve your time, and you will be made to feel like a fool for doing so.
You will need to remind yourself that people will say 'If you need anything, let me know,' and unlike you, they won't mean it.
You will feel like people saying you 'work with horses' dismiss your career as a hobby, and don't realise that you work every waking hour, every day, with no-one to fall back on, and you wonder why you keep trying to prove otherwise.
You will see your kids growing up and hate yourself for not being able to spend more time with them, for dragging them with you to work, for always being late and constantly feeling judged for not being good enough.
You will be exhausted from trying to work in your second language, be frustrated at not being able to keep up and lose your confidence when someone laughs as you speak, and you will feel even more alone sat in your office and hearing laughter and conversations surround you elsewhere.
Sometimes, the guilt at being the one left alive will be overwhelming- when you can't comfort your children in their grief because they are inconsolable; when you can't seem to keep up with doing everything by yourself because he always helped you; when you feel like you can't voice any of your 100s of seemingly petty feelings to anyone because no one would quite understand, not take offence and be the voice that understands quite like he would. You will feel like you aren't enough, that you need to do more, do better, be better.
Sometimes, when people say 'you are so strong! I don't know how you do it,' You want to slap them in the face and reply 'I don't have a fucking choice actually, unless you'd like to babysit/ do my laundry/ clean my house so I can actually take some time to properly have a breakdown and possibly an all night bender, thank you very much'
Sometimes, you need to breathe.
You will see that you are enough. That you are doing everything possible in the only ways you know how, and realise that those that try to judge or offer 'constructive criticism' have never been in your situation, so they can politely go stick their advice somewhere the sun rarely visits.
You will realise that those that don't try to understand will never do so and that is not your problem, and however painful it may be perhaps it is best to finally put some distance, to stop trying so hard when they are not.
You will feel like a fool for putting yourself out there, but at least you stood up and took the right decision to make it clear that they will not take advantage of you again, and you will feel all the better for it.
You will remember your grandmother's advice of grounding yourself by walking barefoot in the grass, and spend a morning doing so in the sunshine. You will remember why you work where you do, how you love it so and how immensely proud you are to be back involved in such an incredible place, surrounded by incredible people. You will be reminded how you are appreciated for everything you do, that you are not alone.
You will spend time talking with the right person, who encourages and respects you trying your hardest in your second language, who will make you laugh and give you confidence to use it more and be grateful to them for being so patient- it will remind you that you are in the place you need to be, with the people you need around you, and you will feel content.
You will always feel guilt. You will always feel pain. And you will always inwardly cringe at the 'how strong' comments. There is nothing that can be done about that unfortunately- you are forever changed from what has happened, no longer the person you once were. Not better, not stronger, just.... different. Those that love and cherish you will understand and be patient, will be there for whatever you need whenever you need it. Those that don't aren't worth your time.
Sometimes, you will sit in your garden, the dog sleeping next to you. You will turn your head to the sky and feel the warmth of the sun on your face, the wind through your hair. You will hear your daughter singing in the kitchen, be able to see your son through the window working on his latest project. In that moment, you will realise all is well, and that you are doing okay.
Sometimes, the next week will be good.
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