Things have been overwhelming lately, and like most people, when things get overwhelming I tend to retreat into comfortable things. For me, this is my bed, wrapped in the blanket we gave Martin to keep him warm in the hospice, with a mug of tea and a streaming site on my laptop.
When feeling overwhelmed I tend to rewatch something I've already seen before. There is science behind this- apparently the predictability of your relationship with an already watched tv show can actually aid in calming you in times of heightened stress and anxiety. It allows you to feel more in control by permitting you to not need to focus or concentrate due to the familiarity of the content. Background noise to make you feel better.
After Martin passed away, I found it was near impossible to focus on anything new- I couldn't read more than a few pages of a new book, new tv shows or films and I'd lose track of what was going on within the first few minutes. Over time I've been able to watch new things, read new books, but I still have moments- like now- where I prefer the security of of something previously seen.
Recently I have been rewatching Big Mouth- an animated show that follows a group of young teens as they they begin puberty and discovering sex, their bodies and their identities and learn all the complications that come with managing friendships, feelings and relationships. It's not for the prudish and whilst the humour can be crude it still manages to deal with most of its subject matter with sensitivity.
The teenagers are aided in the show by employees of Human Resources- Hormone Monsters for their libidos, Logic rocks as their voices of reason, and other emotions such as anxiety, shame and depression all make an appearance. These employees are the stars of the spinoff from the series named after the company they work for- think Pixar's Inside Out crossed with the Office- and often learn how to deal with situations for their clients from each other and even the humans themselves.
For me, one of the best episodes is series one, episode nine, ‘It’s almost over’. The main storyline of the episode deals with the death of a grandmother (Yara) suffering from Alzheimer’s, and her son and his family dealing with this, along with her lovebug, Walter. Walter is the last of her team still with her as the rest have been let go- showing the end is near and that there is so much less to worry about- but Walter stays, trying to keep her love, and by extension Yara, alive.
In the meantime, her son Amir and his logic rock Pete are trying to keep busy and care for Yara, attempting to be rational and practical rather than emotional as 'it's just not the time.'
They are continually interrupted by Keith, a sweater from the grief department, who wants to help them start the mourning process. The more they ignore Keith, the larger and more difficult he becomes. Finally Amir accepts that his grief is overwhelming and goes into it-literally wearing Keith- and finds that, as Keith says, ‘the only way out is through.’ Keith and Pete help him realise what is coming (the loss of his mother) and allow him to feel his emotions and come to terms with the situation.
And then, Yara. She passes away with Walter and her granddaughter Natalie at her side, and as she does so Walter lets her know that he will look after Natalie. At this point, Natalie sees Walter, who gives her a hug, wrapping her up in the love left behind by her grandmother.
The episode itself is clever and heartbreaking, dealing with so much of what happens when we lose someone in an honest and truthful way. When Martin was first diagnosed, I went into logic mode. We do this, we deal with this, we get on and we keep going- I don’t have time to sit and weep, I need to keep it together for him and the the kids. Weekly blood tests? sure thing lets go, I'll drive. A daily tablet regime? I'll keep track and make sure there's food to have with those that need it, and set alarms for the right times. In-laws coming to visit? no problem, I can arrange my work schedule around time with them and the kids, we can do this.
It was only when he came home after treatment in London in August 2019 and I read his discharge sheet- which informed me of the 45 lesions on his brain from the cancer- that I took that moment and broke down. Whilst I had long ago accepted that the treatment, the tests, the drugs were all part of our new normal; it was that moment, sat on the floor in the corner of our bedroom whilst he drank mate with his parents downstairs, that I had to accept he was never going to get better, that I was going to lose him. I sobbed, long and hard, at the injustice of it all. Martin came upstairs and held me, allowed me to have my moment. And then I went back to being the anchor, the rock. I just needed a moment to be human.
There have been many more times that grief snuck up on me like that. I'm sure there will continue to be. However, just like with Walter and Natalie, the love remains. It was there in the outpouring of messages and memories shared by people who knew him following his death; it's there whenever I see how much Tomas and Morena adore each other; its there with the love and support of those closest to me.
It's like that with all forms of grief. You could be mourning the loss of a loved one, a relationship, something that has happened in your life that has led to upheaval and change. We all grieve at different points for different reasons and we all do so in different ways. However with everything that we grieve, the thing that remains the same is that we must accept it, be it emotionally or logically, deal with it, process it, to be able to move past it. And it's also true that it tends to be at these times of grieving that we find love in all sorts of ways- perhaps the rekindling of love for a path once taken and forgotten, or through the support of others, or simply in the small things that bring us enough comfort to get through the difficult times until we can move onto the good ones.
Things have been overwhelming recently. I have been grieving, yet again, and whilst it has taken some time and will still take some more to truly process the past few months, I've had to accept it and deal with what has come with this situation as best as I can. Right now, as with all grief, the only way out is through, and through it I go, surrounded by love and support that allows me to know that, no matter how dark things feel right now, I will get through this, and move on to better and brighter things. We are still in the midst of it, with some way to go before we can see the light on the other side. But I know it's there, from the love shown by friends, the advice given by those dear to me.
To all those going through grief right now- I promise you, you will get through. And if you need it, come to me- just like Keith from grief, I'll wrap you up in a hug and help you get there.
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