So, after years of waiting, months of talking about it, weeks of preparing and days of rushing around, we are now in the last hours before we board a plane and head to Argentina.
It's a big trip for the three of us. The first time since Martin passed away that we will get to see his family- the first time meeting some of them for the kids- and also a huge chance for them to see where he grew up, meet his friends, experience life out there which is such a world away from our lives here.
Morena is very excited. Tomas is slightly more apprehensive- he is not one for talking too much about Martin and is concerned that is all anyone will want to talk about, and worried that he will not understand... but even he is looking forward to this very big adventure.
I won't lie.
I am scared.
This is the first time I have travelled outside of the UK with them. The first time I have travelled to Argentina without Martin....
Well, that's not entirely true. I am travelling with Martin, as we are taking his
remains with us to return him home. Today has been spent ensuring I have all the paperwork ready and safely in my bag with our passports- Death certificates in
both English and Spanish, a certificate of cremation to allow me to travel out of England with his urn; Birth certificates for myself and the kids, as my maiden name in my passport obviously doesn't match the surname in theirs; a copy of my marriage certificate just in case.... I love paperwork so much that I'm on top of this, but it's overwhelming enough to carry him, let alone all the papers that remind me he's no longer here.
I'm also not carrying all of him. I have always included the kids in any decisions in regards Martin, and Tomas decided that he wanted to keep a little bit of the ashes for himself and Morena, so that when they were older they could decide what to do with them as they wished. Following the lead of some others I have seen, I found some mini urns for them, so that they could keep a small piece of him with them. I found myself not just packing but unpacking his urn today, scooping his ashes as carefully as possible to fulfil this promise to Tomas. The urns are now carefully away for the children in the future, whilst the rest are ready to be taken to Argentina.
Taking him home is a difficult thing. On one hand I am ready to do so, ready to take him back as I promised him back when he passed away. On the other, my heart is breaking as I prepare to say goodbye to him all over again, and feel guilty that this is forever. It sounds strange to say, knowing that what is in that box that has sat on my sideboard for just over two and a half years isn't really him, but having him there was comforting. It not being there- well, it will be like he really is gone for good.
I had originally toyed with the idea of keeping part of him here in England and part of him in Argentina. But I can't do it. It feels selfish of me to do so, when I know in his heart where he would want to be. He would want to be where he always wanted to return home to, where we had spoken of moving to and had dreams for the future. Keeping a small piece for the kids feels right, he would always want to be with them, but he has stayed with me long enough and it's time for me to give him what he wanted.
I haven't slept well this week. worrying about this trip, about the kids, about taking Martin.... it's all taken it's toll and I am ready, so ready, to collapse and cry. I am ready to go mute and let my brain stop working for a while, to curl up and not answer messages, to do nothing but hug my children and eat my bodyweight in chocolate....... and you know what? I may well do all of those things over the next five weeks of vacation.
But not yet.
Martin told me once, "you're the strongest person I know." And now, once again, I have to be that person. I will push down those fears and move forward, taking our children into our future. I will return my husband to where he needs to be now, and hope he thanks me for doing so. I will hold myself together until I can see the friends who will hold me while I fall apart. I will enjoy my vacation and try to resist the urge to catch up on too many emails, relax to be able to return refreshed and ready for a new year that looks to be filled with more challenges, more exciting times ahead.
Vamos a Argentina......... todo va a estar bien.
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